The person you pinned on whatsApp has archived you. You don’t want to call him your boyfriend because you don’t know if that relationship still exists. You guys did not Officially end that contract. You are afraid of claiming him in public because you are afraid he might deny you in public. One day you thought he pushed you to the wall and you made a decision you are going to move on. Another day you woke up and check your phone, he sent you a photo of food with a caption, “babe, today I used your recipe. It tastes nice” . That moment you went back in time and missed him calling you babe. You fell in love with him again and thought the relationship exists. His auntie dies and you text him, “condolence love. May you be strong to overcome the pain” you thought it was too sweeet a message, maybe he may need you by his side, maybe he may say something sweet too. You really wanted to be there for him so you expected he’d say, “thanks love, I wish you were here” then you’d immediately reply “I’m on my way there”. Actually, you just miss him, you don’t even care much about the dead auntie. You are very sure he wasn’t very hurt by the dying of the auntie so he replies. “Thank you, kazi ya Mungu haina makosa” you feel cold again. Chill ran down your spine. The response was so cold and closed.
Your birthday is one month later and your grandmother starts asking you when you are getting married. Here you are so heartbroken, lost and lonely you feel so desperate to just be owned and claimed. You plainly tell her you don’t know when you are getting married because you are not seeing anyone. You felt like you have the courage to tell everyone you are single not because you love the feel but because you want your heart to accept. Your grandmother gets very happy and starts saying “Kuna bwana mmoja Mwamadi Rashidi kutoka Takaungu ana mtoto wa kiume ataka kuowa. Alipita na hapa miezi ile kutuaga alkua aenda zake hajj. Asema mwanawe miaka ishirini na nane amesomea udaktari Maleizha (read, Malaysia) amerudi mwaka jana hivi ameandikwa Pandya lakini ataka fungua kliniki yake kule kwao airport. Sasa mwanangu utamkubali huyo? Kijana mzuri Sana. Sjamuona kitambo walpokua wadogo walikua wakiletwa hapa na mama yao kuja kusalimia lakini skuizi hata huyo mama yao amekua mkorofi hapiti. Lakini watoto watakua wana tabia nzuri kama za baba yao. Tena baba yao alpokua kijana alkua hensam kama nini na heshima zake”
You smile feeshisly but still confused. You kinda want to but you are still afraid of puting your foot in a dark room. You think of the so called doctor, and feel like you are interested. He sounds like someone you’d rock with. Fewer problems. You think of one statement, “mama yao skuizi amekua mkorofi” and your heart skips a bit, “is this going to be my mother in law?” because you know when you leave this conversation without saying anything, it’s then upon the elders to decide.
They will send you a whatsApp photo of the guy. Several photos and demand yours too to send back to him. He’d probably say he’s interested in what he sees in the photos and he’ll ask for your phone number. The two of you will chat and plan to meet. The elders don’t care about your pasts so you shouldn’t too. You want to say something then you think again, “what if this guy had a girlfriend in Malaysia and his family doesn’t know?” okay, maybe he didn’t. Maybe he focused too much on education and came home with honors. What if when he left, he left a girl here that loved him. A girl who just sacrificed all the years waiting for that man who is now successful just to come and get married off to someone else. Then the man acts all arrogant, marries you without caring about the poor girl. You are too sweet. You put your shoes in the imaginary lady and assume one day she succumbs the pain and come destroy your marriage. Then you tell yourself it is just paranoia . However, you still overthink about the mkorofi mother. You feel like you don’t want. You are just okay remaining archived. Actually, you really are not okay but what to do?

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